Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I Don't Feel Like Myself Because I Feel Like Everything Else

Lately I've been trying to discover the main theme in my blog, and I guess I can't figure it out for one giant reason: I have no idea what the theme of my own life is. I could just say I have no idea what I'm trying to do here with my life, but that just makes me sound like any other teenager-going-on-adult. The thing is, I do know what I'm doing. The problem is, I don't know how OK I am with what I'm doing.

I'm in the suburban outskirts of Chicago right now visiting my beloved Christopher, and I can't help but feel guilty for being much happier than most of my family right now. To be honest, it makes me feel rather uncomfortable, especially when thoughts like this go through my head: Am I leaving my family behind? Should I feel bad for feeling happy? Deep down, no. I'm not supposed to feel bad and I'm not leaving them behind. One day I'll have to fly out of the nest and venture off into foreign -- and more exciting -- lands. And I know I'm going to end up somewhere far away from the place I grew up, but that is not leaving my family behind. 

It's simply growing up. Being someone. Starting afresh. And as I grow, I'll continue to learn how special it is to be able to see my family on those occasions that really matter. I'll learn about how much they've effected my life (in good and bad ways) and I'll realize that they'll always be special and important to me, no matter what. And that's not a bad thing. It's not something I should feel bad about. They're where I come from, and they should know that they're the ones who will always be close to my heart.

I guess I'm just saying I'm worried. It's hard to not freak out about stuff like this when I feel like my life and personality keeps changing with each day that passes. I'm discovering more and more blogs that inspire me to be a better blogger -- and basically just a better writer. My biggest worry is that I'm not going to be as great as those bloggers; I'm not going to bring in all the web traffic that they do. At the same time, I have hope that I can accomplish just as much as they do. Everyone wants to change someone's life in some way, usually in good ways. That's all I'm hoping for. And at the same time, I hope I can do this without forgetting my family and where I come from, and I especially hope they won't forget about me.

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