Project Make A Friend

It's snowing again. Again. This weather is shit. There's nothing better to do, so I thought I would do this. We started watching Orange is the New Black yesterday night, and I actually like it a lot more than I thought I would. It's based on a true story, and it has a lot of lesbian innuendo in it. I know it's just a show, but I really like anything to do with lesbians, I don't really care what it is.

I want to have a baby and at the same time I don't. Last week, while I was working, somehow my manager and I got to talking about children with my other coworker. My manager has kids and she said, "I love my kids to death, and I don't know what I would do without them. But as soon as I had kids, my life was over." It scares me to have kids for that reason; I don't want my life to be over. I want something that gives my life meaning, so I keep wondering if a child could give that to me. Another life. 

Do I really have to spend the next two years of my life on this campus? Can't I just quit for a while, and do something else? My counselor told me I have social anxiety -- so what? That's been nothing new for the past five years. So what, it takes a while for me to open up to people. There have only been probably less than three people interested in opening me up, and they've succeeded, and that's why they're still around. If no one wants to find out about me, then why would I let them?

But those are the old ways of thought. Those thoughts are over for me. And my counselor told me I have to talk to someone new before this Friday, invite them to get a coffee, invite them to study, invite them to lunch, something. Is that really so hard for you to do, Allison? (Saying my name sounds weird -- is that even my name? Or am I a simple spiritual entity lost inside this body?) Nevertheless, Project Make A Friend has been initiated, and I have to succeed, because if I don't, no one is going to open me up. I have to make them open me up, because that's so much better than finding natural friendships. Right? take note of the sarcasm