about Friends

with a capital F. Fuck Friends. i don't care about who i meet right now. i want to graduate. in illinois i expected to have fun with the people he calls friends. but it turns out i hate everyone and i don't want to be around people that drink and smoke constantly. that's why i went to college. to be away from the ones who make stupid choices. it's not like i'm scared i wont be successful if i'm around them. i already know i have nothing going for me except an english degree, but to where can undergraduate college degrees really take anyone anymore? i know that i will end up in a shitty highschool teaching shitty kids the same shitty shit every year. so why am i scared of being around these people? to be frank i don't understand them, nor do i understand their choices.

there was a time when i thought everything was okay and i could wave my hand and say "it's whatever" to every opportunity that sprouted before me. there was a time that i cared about getting to know people and didn't care about what i did with them. during that time i would say yeah i'll drink yeah i'll smoke but the distortion is literally too much for my psyche, and the constant alternating between certain stimulants and depressants easily and violently overwhelms my sense of spirituality. if anything is wrong with me, it's that i'm scared to meet people and do things with them. i'm scared to face reality and deal with the sickly people who do sickly stupid things to destroy their bodies. i want to stay away from them, i don't want to become one of them.

simply this: we live in a world of overstimulation. alcohol. marijuana. phones. social media. social networking. laptops. television. all of this shit. i don't want to participate.

every person in my family (at least related on my mom's side) has fallen to the same stupid pattern of "hey everything is OK let's drinik and have a good time, not caring about the world, listening to music and talking about the same old shit about which we don't even have the facts" am i that insane to not want to fall into that pattern? am i so insane to want to remain sober in the midst of my drunken idiotic relatives? i won't do that to myself and i won't be part of their norm.